Thoughts on Adulting (III)

On negotiations and renegotiations for change

Hello readers! I wanted to start this newsletter by telling you briefly about the reason why it takes me so long to write these posts (barring the fact that I severely lack the discipline for writing). Mostly I don’t know what to write about. Unless there is something really urgent that needs an expression, such as my essay on the TV show, The Bear, or the one on the film Gulmohar, it is hard to put together a thousand thoughts and feelings into a single, 1000 word essay. I usually let these thoughts and feelings marinate for months till I find a way to stich them together somehow.

With some new experiences and a bunch of other insights, I am back with the latest sequel of my most favourite topic, Thoughts on Adulting. Ah yes! Adulting… The very topic that drove me to create this newsletter. Here’s the link to part one, and part two. Do try to read them as well!

---

Off lately, I have been thinking about negotiations and renegotiations, and the part they play in the process of adulting.

Change does not solely exist in absolute terms. That something has to completely take a new form, discarding its existing condition for it to be considered as change. That’s so far away from reality.

I have begun to understand change in a more relative way. Change looks more like a continuous process of negotiations and renegotiations. This understanding offers a kind of flexibility, a wiggle room of sorts, that I feel is very urgent during these years of adulting.

I know it may sound a bit like compromising, adjusting, or even settling. And in some ways, it is that. But not entirely. Let’s also take this moment to acknowledge the role of capitalism in creating a bad reputation for settling. We are now at a point where we have internalised the core capitalism spirit of chasing and seeking. This belief that something better is always ahead of us, and that we must constantly seek betterment. To stop is to settle for mediocrity, a wastage of your time/potential.

What I find to be most fascinating is that this never-ending capitalistic race for better does not even have a finishing point. Capitalism will never let you believe that what you have is enough. It insists on you forever chasing better without ever knowing what better actually is. Because as long as your are running this race, chasing this vague idea, capitalism will keep benefitting from your misery :)

---

Sorry for that quick (un)expected rant. Coming back…

So yeah, it’s more about finding your space in the in-between. It’s allowing yourself to stop from constantly chasing better and actually defining what better is. (Basically, just keep a zen mindset lol)

Now how do we do that? Through negotiations and renegotiations.

Negotiations and renegotiations are more about moving from the polar ends and reaching somewhere in between. It’s about creating fluid conditions that enable meaningful engagement, thus leading to something new, something different.

Some examples of negotiating and renegotiating that I can think of:

• What I had — What I have

• What I want — What I need (personally v important)

• What I can — What I can’t (also vv important)

• What is best — What is better

• What is enough — What is not enough

Pro-tip: you really got to cultivate acceptance as a driving principle in your life if you want to take this path.

---

When I was reflecting upon the past year, especially the moments where I found myself negotiating and renegotiating, two words stood out for me: Shukr (Gratitude) and Sabr (Patience). (How very Instagram bio of me🤲🏽🙏🏽)

Gratitude for what has come, and patience for what is to come.

While remembering the major and even some minor moments of 2023, I often found myself engaging with those situations in absolute positions. For example, when I first came back to this city, I hated it. It is for that very hatred I did everything to stay away from this city. Till I could not anymore. Till I had no other choice but to be here. For a very long time my only response was either living here with absolute angst and despair, or finding any possible (even unsustainable) means of getting away from here. Not going to lie, that mindset sucked everything out of me.

This was the case for most part of 2023. This absolute mindset was not taking me anywhere, and was extremely tiring. I felt that nothing is changing in my life, that I am stuck. So in October, almost around the time of having lived like this for a year, I began to re-examine things differently. I wrote about it in my previous newsletter as well (read here).

I often find solace in the popular Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

(removed the word god from the prayer because I am asking myself to grant me this serenity)

I feel that these words capture the essence of what I am trying to convey about negotiations and renegotiations. The wisdom to know the difference is precisely all about that. To act on that wisdom is to negotiate between what you can change, and what you cannot.

In my case, the negotiation was about creating a life in this city, with all its ups and downs. Accepting that I can find my place here, and not keep chasing it everywhere else. A large part of my year has gone in this process (still continuing). And I have learnt a lot about myself through this. Most important being the value of Shukr (Gratitude) and Sabr (Patience).

Gratitude for what has come, and patience for what is to come.

---

I know all this is easier said than done. There are still some days, many days actually, when I can’t help but feel disappointed by my present. I yearn for more. I don’t have space for patience and gratitude. Only despair and angst. But I try hard and remind myself to not fall in that absolute mentality. And to accept those feelings as normal.

I still fall back on the internalised belief that better will only be found somewhere far away from where I am now. To be honest, it may be true to an extent. But then I try to bring myself back to present. Better can also be found here. Better can also be created here. And there will still be time to be somewhere else.

(Gosh it’s so hard to keep reminding yourself that time is not running away. Fuck you capitalism for creating this perpetual rush in our bodies that refuses to let time pass and be okay with idleness.)

I am slowly seeing myself eventually convert this city into my home base. I am allowing this city to sweep me off my feet. I think for the longest time I kept my heart closed for Calcutta, and now that I am slowly opening it, Calcutta is working it’s charm.

may you open your eyes 
to water 
water waving forever 
and may you in your innocence 
sail through this to that
- Lucille Clifton 

---

That’s all for now. Thank you for taking out the time to read this. Take care dear readers.

When Life Gives You Melon
Choose Water over Choly 🍉
Aakash xx

---