Thoughts on Adulting (II)
Birthday Blues Bubble Bursting
Hello! Your friendly neighbourhood dazed and confused adult is back. I have been lost for a while. Lost in my thoughts, in my environment, in work. Basically, just lost. I can’t say that I have found my way, because well who has. But, I am in a different place right now. A café. Where else would I go?
I am turning 24 this week. Very very scared, for some reason. I mean, it’s 24 now, then 25, then before you know…BAM. You’re 30. THIRTY! I can’t even imagine. Birthdays have always been rocky for me. A gentle reminder about the passage of time in my life. And it got me thinking. Why do we talk so much about adulting? I mean, till 20, even I used to find all the fuss about it quite unnecessary. It’s just growing up, right? You get a job, do what you like to do, get paid for it, and live the way you want to live. Sounds fun. Can’t wait for it. What an idiot, huh!
When I was writing about my initial experiences on adulthood, it was more from an optimistic, hopeful, looking forward to it attitude (read it here). Now, it’s more of a confused, lost, directionless, braindead, when will this end attitude. Half the time I don’t even realize what is happening. And the moments where I have some clarity, are so so brief. Therefore, I would like to share these precious moments with you.
Dazed and Confused
As a Led Zeppelin song, it’s a really enjoyable thing. As a feeling to live with, not so. From what I understand there is a huge bubble burst that happens, once you finish college. Now, this bubble isn’t something that pops in a single go. In fact, once you turn 18, it starts to pop in layers. I left home at 18, and started living on my own. I was in a BIG university, and it almost felt like I have been thrown in a miniature world of its own. There were kids from all over the country, each with a completely unique set of life experience. And over the years, it was a gradual and impactful realisation that there are endless possibilities to life. You meet more people, exchange ideas, make new experiences. You start forming your own ideas and values about life, about the world, about the things you see around yourself. And suddenly, another layer of bubble pops. The world outside is so different from the one inside your head.
So I take an extension — postgrad. Still unsure of what needs to be done in life, with a brief examination of some core values, I am able to make at least one decision that would keep me occupied for the next two years. In a blip, I am now a graduate. I have studied for 5 years now. There’s no way I can take any further extensions. The real world awaits you. Time for one grand fucking reality check. Another layer of bubble pops. The world is far more worse than you thought. As you are lying on your bed, on the remains of your hopes, you find yourself being dazed and confused.
Get up, clean your bed, brush your teeth and wash your face. Make your morning beverage (tea for me), open your laptop, and dive in the ocean of unknown. After leaving my first job, my career tanked even before it could take off. Each day its getting difficult to not think in absolutes. Will I ever get a job that upholds my values? Will that job pay well? I always use to consider money a very secondary thing. Now it’s out here for a payback.
What are my values, though? How relevant are they? How flexible can I be? I forgot what I wanted. To help others…? But how can I, when I can’t even help myself. What do I want? From this world that I never stop complaining about. From life I never stop shitting about. From myself. How will I know all this, when everything around me just keeps passing by in a rush. What the fuck is actually happening?
And just like that, it’s time for bed.
To Hope Is To Push A Rock
If you know me even remotely, you would definitely know that despite all my talks about despair, I somehow end up talking about hope. A very I contain multitudes moment. Like seriously, what I said in the previous section, I feel all that, and that too very intensely. And it is with the same intensity I feel hope. Let me show you.
I have for the longest wondered, why do we persist? Why do we continue? Why, despite everything pulling me back on most days, I choose to do what I do? Things haven't been kind off lately. The fact that I still hope, amazes me. How absurd?
I walk past the same buildings, the same roads, the same lanes, over and over. For the past 10 years. Still, I find one small lane somewhere that I had never been to before. That's thrilling. One day I was walking through the same route I had been taking every week for the past few months. And I stopped somewhere because I saw a really gorgeous building. At first I wondered how was it possible that I was seeing this building for the first time. I realised I was looking at it from the opposite direction, which is why it appeared brand new to me. Silly me. But in those 5 minutes I was really amazed by the building which I had known for years. Perhaps the best description of my feelings comes from what Schrodinger had to say about his view of the world: "And yet we are astonished". This is the only world we have. We have no other comparison to form our expectations. And yet, we wonder.
That is hope for me. Having the chance to see something for the first time despite having left nothing to see. Hope, like many other good things in life, often finds us when we fail to see it. It’s a cup of perfect tea after a really really sucky day. Let me explain. I am very particular about making tea. The water is to milk ratio has to be perfect. Tea is to sugar ratio has to be on point. Ginger has to be grated and not crushed. Water goes first, then milk. Have to boil it for just the right amount of time. I follow this process very diligently every time. Par tab bhi, I never get the same cup. It’s always different each time. Sometimes it’s a little more sweet, sometimes the tea leaves a strong after taste. Kabhi bahut zyaada paani lagti hai, kabhi bahut zyaada gaadhi. But there’s that one day, where I can say just by the color if it, that it’s a perfect cup. Hope is that cup of tea for me. When the days have been really shitty, and I have nothing left in me to expect anything, hope presents itself to me. I make tea each day, because I hope.
I still don't know what I’m doing in life. I haven't for the most part. I have no clue what I'm suppose to do next, where my career is going, how will I earn money for myself. These thoughts continuously bother me.
But then one day out of nowhere, a cool breeze blows through my hair after a really sweaty day, a bubble pops, and I am convinced that maybe it's not so bad after all.
When Life Gives You Melon
Choose Water over Choly 🍉
Aakash xx