The Ferris Wheel That Is Life
Going in circles is not that bad after all
Hello! Hope you doing well. And sincerest apologies for being away for this long (in case this newsletter was missed). I guess the most cherished commodity when you are working in your 20s is fursat. So, as I am sitting in this brief moment of fursat, I decided to come here.
Life, yet again, has been pretty much haywire. Calling it a roller-coaster would be an understatement. I am thinking about the time when I went to an amusement park. As someone who had known see-saws, slides, and swings to be the only jhoolas, I was blown to the see the variety of rides in this park. Of course, roller-coaster was that one ride I was really scared of, all thanks to popular media. But, I actually felt the most scared in the ferris wheel. The way it would just not stop. And how scary being on top felt, so much so that even in those brief moments, when the wheel would pass the ground, my body would refuse to calm down.
And that's how I would like to describe life. It's this constant up and down, round and round, so quick, and so fast, you don't realise most of the time what's happening to you. I guess that's what they meant by going in circles. I have been wondering off-lately, how scary it feels when the wheel is way above the ground. How helpless one feels. That weird feeling in your gut, that you want it all to just stop. But you can't. Once you step inside this ferris wheel, there's no stepping out. You don't have the stop button in your hand. The power to stop lies outside. I couldn't think of a better way to explain the inherent powerlessness of life. Even when the wheel comes down, that moment is so so brief. When you are touching the ground, and everything feels stable. Just as you start enjoying that moment, the wheel goes back to the top again. And such is the circle of life. The ups and downs.
Even though we don't have the power to control this ferris wheel in our hands, we have something far better. We have hands. Hands that can so perfectly fit into another pair of hands. Hands that can hold. Hands that can warm each other. Hands that remind us that we are not alone in this ferris wheel. Isn't that enough?
Amidst all this spinning and the consequent nausea, I have been keeping up somehow. To the extent, that yet again, I have managed to surprise myself. The wheel was really fast this time. And I wanted to slow down. Not even stop, just slow down you know. Yet somehow, I managed to reassure myself. I wouldn't say the nausea of spinning was any less, but I kind of managed to hold tight through the spinning bit. And I thought I'll share what helped me through this:
I Don't Feel Like That Anymore: An old trick that has worked miracles for me. Revisiting the past, especially the times I felt the way I am feeling now. Hurt, tired, exhausted, confused, stuck, oh god so so stuck, in circles, in loops, that unbearable feeling of being unable to move past. But move past what exactly, I don't know. It's just that feeling. Angry, helpless, irritated, at myself, the world, people, mostly myself, why am I this way. Asking constantly, when will this end. Ugh, will this ever end?? And this is where the trick lies. Everything that made me feel this way back then, is no more. I somehow got past those situations. What I am feeling now, is a result of my present circumstances. So, when I think about those past memories, I remind myself, I don't feel like that anymore. Wow! Does that mean, what I am feeling now, this amalgamation, a weird yet organic cocktail of feelings, I wont feel this way anymore?! Circumstances change, and so does the feeling they create in you. Feelings are fleeting. I will feel better. In fact, I am feeling better. I think the past serves as a beautiful reminder that the way you are feeling right now, you have felt exactly the same before. That even though your bad feelings will convince you that they are here to stay, the past will keep reminding you they won't. They never do.
Forgive Yourself, Over and Over and Over: The one thing I learnt (still learning) the hard way. Forgiveness that comes from within, for oneself, is the only forgiveness that'll set you free. The guilt and the burden I put on myself, just to seek forgiveness from others, was the only thing that was holding me back. And even when I started to offer myself forgiveness, I slowly learnt that it is not a one time thing. You have to forgive yourself, over and over and over, for the same very mistakes. Forgiveness creates space. Forgiveness makes you human. The very same human you want others to see in you. But are you willing to see yourself as the human who made mistakes. You are willing to forgive people, telling yourself that it is necessary to pave the path for a more accepting future. Then, why can't I apply the same logic to myself. So I (am learning to) forgive myself. Every time I feel I have to. Every time I seek forgiveness from others, I forgive myself. I forgive myself for wanting to seek all the love and validation from outside that I am capable of giving to myself.
Go Gentle Into That Good Night: Be kind, be kind against the dying of the light. A more recent lesson that I learnt. I was always the one to feel a sense of rage, fury, anger of sorts. To put it better, the sense of angst. The feeling of injustice. I clearly don't deserve these hardships. Nor do these people around. Why is that we try, and try, and try. All of us. We try our best, only to keep spinning in the ferris wheel. Why is life unfair? But well, it is. And the more I hold on to this feeling of angst, the harder it becomes to get rid of it. Yes, I admit that life sucks, and it's unfair. And honestly, it's infuriating. But what is this rage going to get me anyways. Just an additional burden for my body to carry. The optimistic pessimist in me accepts that the dying of the light is inevitable. But surely, I can't accept that to be the only truth. I can choose to be kind, be kind to this dying of the light and only then allow for some more light to enter. Also the more gentle you go into that good night, the better sleep you get.
It took me about two months to write this newsletter. I am not really proud if it. But things turned out to be a little more chaotic than I had imagined. The only thing I aspire for, the only thing I hope for, and strive for, is just some more time to write. I feel I have so much to say, so much to write. Above all, so much to read. I have been stuck on this one book for close to a month now. I absolutely hate this arrangement. Reading list piling up, list of topics to write increasing by the day, yet only a handful of time. There is just so much beauty I keep missing out on. But someday, and hopefully very soon, I will create that space for myself.
Honestly, I hate this world. From the bottom of my heart. But the abundance of beauty in it, always amuses me. And I am sure it is this very beauty that is keeping me alive. That has kept me alive. I hope to share my thoughts more often with you.
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When Life Gives You Melon
Choose Water over Choly 🍉
Aakash xx